Gag Reflex
by Spirix
Summary: Havoc approaches Ed to find out just why Ed would prefer another man instead of a woman, of course it doesn't work out as he had planned. ONESHOT RoyEd


**Disclaimer:** I don't own FMA.

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**Gag Reflex  
**

"Ed, can I talk to you for a minute?" Havoc asked as everyone started heading out of the office for lunch.

The blond teen stopped short of the door and turned to give Havoc a curious look. "Sure, but you never use my name so I must be in trouble."

Havoc pulled his chair out from behind the desk and pulled a spare directly in front of him.

"Have a seat," he said, trying to sound casual but it came out strained.

Ed took the chair and sat in it backwards, leaning his weight forward while waiting for Havoc to say whatever it was he had to say.

"Ed, I've... I've known you since you were an arrogant snot nose brat who thought he had us all alchemy-whipped—"

Ed cut in, "Do you have a point before I break this chair on your face?"

Havoc looked slightly uncomfortable, and then sighed in his chair. "I feel like I have to step up and talk to you about this. You're like a brother to me in a way, a brother from a previous marriage that was forced into our happy home by an inconsiderate ambitious father who is only looking for a new skirt to chase—"

"HAVOC!"

"Alright, alright. My point is, you are a part of this office family and I want to know why you're rebelling like this," Havoc said as he hazarded a look at the door. Maybe it would have been better to accept Hawkeye's offer to do this talk instead. At the time he thought it was preposterous, and that Ed only needed a talk from one man to another. Now he just felt stupid, especially with the unfathomable look Ed was giving him. Was the eighteen year old trying to read his mind or figure out an escape route? Havoc was damned if he knew.

Ed tilted his head to the side and said, "So are you going to elaborate or just waste precious eating time?"

Havoc took a big breath and blurted it out all at once. "BredasawyoukissingamanyesturdayandIthoughtifwetalkedaboutitwecouldfixyou."

"...what?"

"Breda," Havoc took another big breath and this time went slower, "saw you kissing a man yesterday."

"Did he see who?" Ed asked in a bored tone.

"What? No, just that he was in uniform. The umbrella hid his face. That's not the point! Why were you kissing him?" Havoc felt flustered and fidgeted with his cigarette.

"Why do you kiss women, surely not to taste their tonsils like in the nursery rhyme?" Ed smirked and propped his chin on the back of the chair. "Besides, what's it to you, dear _brother of another mother_."

Havoc turned his head to the side disappointedly. This was nothing like he pictured it in his head. Dammit, Hawkeye, why did you have to be so female? "Hey, I'm just saying it like it is. You don't have to be such a brat."

"I'm not the one with a problem here."

"But there is a problem! Kissing men just ain't right Ed."

Ed sighed and ran his mismatched hands through his bangs. "Okay... umm... I got it! Name one thing women have that makes them better than being with another man."

"Boobs," Havoc answered without hesitation. "There is nothing more satisfying than cupping a breast with your hand and flicking the nipple to your heart's content."

Havoc reached out in front of him and cupped an imaginary breast with a triumphant grin. Ed merely took his wrist and turned Havoc's hand over to face the ceiling. "There, now you are cupping a set of balls you can roll to your heart's content."

Havoc's feeling of pure horror must have showed on his face since Ed began to laugh and jiggle his now limp hand back and forth.

Fuery chose that moment to enter and paused to look their way. "What are you two doing?"

"Well Havoc here wanted to confront me for kissing men, but it seems I broke his mind." Ed stated simply and continued to play with the limp appendage, now picking it up and dropping it repeatedly.

"You're gay?" Fuery stated incredulously. "Since when?"

Ed hesitated before letting Havoc's arm fall for an eleventh time. "Umm... a year maybe? I'm not very good with calendar dates so it could be more or less, give or take a few months."

Fuery pulled up a chair, completely ignoring the shell-shocked Havoc to sit diagonally in front of Ed. "Would you mind if I asked you a few things? It's just; I don't know any gay people and I have a couple things on my mind I never knew the answers to."

"I guess... What do you want to know?" Ed cast Fuery a nervous glance, uncertain what he could possibly want to know.

Fuery loosened his collar but didn't stumble over his words like Havoc might have. He said them clearly. "Well, it just I heard that it hurts a lot, sex... you know, two men having sex. Why would you do that to yourself when sex with women is painless?"

Ed took a second to compile the information before laughing outright. He had been suspicious for nothing. Fuery was just being curious, not creepy.

"It only hurts if you're a nervous idiot who freezes up," Ed said between snorts.

"What would hurt if one was nervous?" Falman asked as he made his way towards the trio.

Fuery moved his chair over to make room for Falman. He seemed deep in thought so Ed answered. "Gay sex."

Havoc visibly shuddered and stared at his hand in disgust.

Falman commented, "Well any action, if done under duress or pressure, would result in pain due to contracted muscles and incoherent reactions."

"That's a good point," Fuery replied and went back into his thoughtful world.

"Am I right in guessing this conversation is an outcome of Havoc's 'discussion'?" Falman asked this in the same way he would ask for a pencil, without emotion.

Ed yawned and replied, "That's right."

"Then this would be a good time to enforce the policies of safe sex upon you. Do you use prophylactics?"

Ed searched his memory for the definition of the word but for the life of him, couldn't recall what it was or why it was even important. He decided to chance it and say, "Yes?"

"Excellent. It is good to see the youth of today working to prevent the spread of diseases that can easily be avoided with caution," Falman said in approval.

Ed merely smiled and made note to look that up later. He was about to make a comment when Havoc snapped out of whatever ball cupping hell he was trapped in and pointed at Ed outright. "You've been SLEEPING with men? As in SEX?"

"I will be the first to admit I disapprove of encounters of such a nature between two people who are under the age of consent," Falman replied smoothly, "but Edward is now a consenting adult. Your aversions are misplaced Havoc."

Havoc pleaded his case to the room more so than its occupants. "Doesn't anyone besides me have a problem with Ed sleeping around with strange men?"

"I do," came the voice of Havoc's saviour. Mustang walked into the room but stopped halfway between there circle of chairs and the door. "Is it true Fullmetal?"

Ed leaned back in his, pulling the chair back with his hands. "What part?"

"The 'strange men' one, I should hope it would be only one man." He stood casually with one hand in his pocket but Havoc noticed how serious his eyes were, as well as his tone. Normally he wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer but for once, Havoc felt his perceptions skills skyrocket to a horrifying conclusion. No fucking way...

He blurted out his thoughts without thinking, "Fucking hell, it was you! You were the one kissing him! Fucking hell god dammit oh my fucking shit why?"

Mustang gave him an odd look before turning his gaze back to the other blond. "Well Fullmetal, what's your answer?"

"Only you Bastard," Edward smirked and stood from his chair. "Like I would sink as low as to cheat around. Ha! I have my pride you know."

Mustang smiled and closed the distance between himself and Edward. Havoc watched in dismay, petrified to the spot as he leaned down to steal a quick kiss and Havoc snapped. "Stop! Wait a second, stop the world I want to get off!"

"Havoc you should really calm down," Fuery said and laid a hand on his arm. Havoc immediately jumped away, inadvertently knocking his chair back. He stood poised like Fuery would attack him with his acidic touch, melting his skin away by mere contact.

Falman's voice of reason cut through the insanity, "I agree. Why are you so closed minded Havoc?"

Havoc panted like a wild animal and then pointed savagely at the couple who were standing with their bodies facing one another but their eyes on him in shocked amusement. "Fine, fine. I'm not some ignorant prick who will think shit about you guys because you decided to... be the way you are. But give me this at least; what do you have with each other that you can't find in a decent woman? That I just don't understand."

Ed spoke first, "Who asked you to understand? I'm not doing this to lash out or anything. I just happened to find someone I have a lot in common with and he happens to be a man. End of story."

Havoc harsh breathing died and he fixed his posture to that of a man instead of a rabid animal. He thought about it for a while and decided it made sense. "Okay, but what about you chief? You're just in it for the cradle robber status aren't you?"

Mustang smirked and said simply, "There's what Ed said, and what you said, but I have to say, the deciding factor in all this is three simple words."

Havoc cringed in attempts to not think of what he was about to say. It was one thing to know that they were screwing around, but if his chief said '_I love Ed' _then he feared he may scream. It was just too bizarre and new and and and Havoc didn't want to think about it. He looked at the chief and prepared himself for the ultimate line in this weird and insane conversation.

"No Gag Reflex," was the unexpected conclusion, straight from the horse's mouth.

Havoc remembered, painfully much later, that he should have at least fainted in Fuery's direction. The man would have caught him instead of the poor attempt the chair did. The cut on his forehead would forever remind him that life was a scarring experience one had to live through in order to achieve bliss, or in Havoc's case, he wished for bliss of the ignorant variety.

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**A/N:** I noticed I had a lot of fics the other day, but none starting with the letter 'G' so I made this. Just some random fun for a saturday.

-rix


End file.
